This Floating Poo Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we consider the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. From cringe-inducing spin-offs to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate spin-off? Plagued with dreadful scripts, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series struggled to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third series started, it looked like it had finally found its groove. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator declared this would be the last season. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too symbolic. Still, viewers certainly found joy dissecting every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was almost the smallest of this show's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the problems. The laughably leaden writing? The tedious veneration of wealth and consumption? The seemingly deliberate parade of tropes? Acting so bad they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. Except, a new season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence claims and fatherly failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d really have known it from this multi-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being indulged, so any sympathy this series might induce should be saved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charismatic but dismissive egotist.
The Iris Affair
Of course we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer admiration for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Shady figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
Actually, that is harsh on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other issues. Mainly that it was just really dull; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various cockney rogues which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee lifestyle as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a poster for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental sayings and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are obviously fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series chose not to say them. Rather, the experience was akin to consuming a marketing catalogue. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Inheritance
It should have been the next big hit – except even camper, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you succeed a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be handled with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lumbering from strangely jaunty, slightly mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about government agencies spying on – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator renowned for explicit escapades as she undertook her biggest feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who appeared to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.